silence is bliss?

You know when you were little, and people used to ask you what you wanted to be when you grew up? If you think back, your answer was probably something that was actually not very likely to happen. (an astronaut, a rock star, or even a famous ballerina.) When asked I always proudly exclaimed that I was going to be a singer! I had no reservations, no second thoughts, it was the truth. I knew it like it was the gospel itself. The other day, a friend asked me what I want to do with my life, and I couldn't answer. I thought about the most logical response. While I sat in silence, my dad asked, "Don't you still want to be a singer? " I told them that I knew that would probably never happen, so there was no point in thinking about it.

My reaction to that conversation got me thinking why my goals are so different now. When you're young, you think you are unstoppable, and in many ways I still think that way, but why is it when it comes to what really matters, I settle. I gave up my dreams for what I can have now, instead of striving for that I disserve. After that conversation, my friend came over, and we played around my house. She made some Brazilian alcoholic beverage, and then we had a whole girly night. I did her hair and makeup, and she made me sing to her while I made her pretty. She called it The Singing Salon. It has been so long since I truly sang in front of someone.

Once in awhile in the karaoke bar, when the drinks are abundant, and the audience is half gone, I'll open up a little. Otherwise, I can belt it out in the car, and alone in the shower, but when people are around, I sensor myself. When I was younger, kids were mean because they took the singing as showing off, so I started being careful about who I sang around. Then it turned into a fear of messing up, or not being able to hit the note. Eventually I grew up, and my singing wasn't that important anymore. I had all of the opportunities, and didn't take full advantage of them. I went to the studio for numerous projects, and just let the moments pass me by, when I should have held on for dear life. My life should have been like The Singing Salon, but instead I've been silent. Is it too late to learn to have the faith of a child again? How do we not let Life effect our goals, and dreams? Everyone has a moment of clarity, when they see their selves, and want to change what we messed up about ourselves. I think this was mine.

I want to be a good photographer.

take it back.

My heart is hurting. my last blog was about heartache. I said that heartache is not when you miss the one that you love, but more so when you cannot even find that person. I may have been wrong. I was so tired of being hard hearted, so I let down my guard, and it completely demolished my spirit. My hope came to a stop when he said its over. I begged him to take it back, like i was begging for my life. It was almost like I couldn't believe what was happening, like it was a bizzar dream. How could I hurt him so much? Inadvertently, he felt the wrath of something I had done before he came back into my life..

I pleaded for him to forgive me, but I couldn't make it go away. All i want to do is make him stop, and hear me. Hear what I am saying, and truly believe it. There is no way that I was so ready for this, and now its over. Even now, I can hardly believe it. I thought this was finally IT... I couldn't talk to anyone. nothing else even mattered. I found myself picking up the phone every couple of min hoping that my sobs had drowned out the sound of the rings. But nothing. He was not there, wanting to tell me that everything would work out. I was nearly convinced that he was joking. After hours of balling till I couldn't breathe, glancing at the phone, sending another text, and crying some more, I realized that he was gone.

And yes, he were gone.

Last Sunday, Last kiss

gosh, this is the first time i have a big desire to share my story.
i know it's kinda boring talking about love love and love, but this one.. :0

First, i wanna told you about the last 2 weeks :

Someone has came to Jakarta for watching The Ataris in the last 2 weeks, and yes he told me that thing. I promise to met him and give a present for him ( It because 2 days before he went to Jakarta it's his birthday ) and yeah we got an appointment to meet on Sunday, not the Saturday night. Finally, in the morning i went to his hotel and went around Jakarta. We went to Taman Menteng & Monas (sounds ridiculous, but it's fun anyway) We ate ketoprak, laughing and Etc. And the part which i hate the most is when he must went back to Bandung that day. After anything's done, i ride him to Gambir Station, near from Monas ( the fiirst time i went to lokomotive station ). We talked about so so and all, and then SILENT, no ones talk. I felt that i wanna cry. I knew him for a year (or more than that) but somethings has ruined my mind. Then he said goodbye, i was like i wanna crying but i'm pretending that i'm okay. And then he kissed me on my cheek. My heart was beat really fast, and my face is getting red. So then he asked me where is the birthday present for him is? I kissed his lips. Yeah, that was a special gift for you. I'm crying when you close the car's door. I'm crying when i'm on my way back to home. I can't stop pretending that i love you in that time.

Second, i wanna told you about the last week :

I went to Bandung after finished my Psikotest at University Of Indonesia. More than 7 hours i spend and finally i got home, did packing and etc. I got booking the travel's ticket for Bandung at 5.45 PM and i went to travel's about 4 PM. After got Starbucks and snacks, i'm ready for Bandung. When i arrived, suddenly he called me and said that he saw me in front of the street! he wave his hand to me with smile and come to me. We gone to the hotel, put my bag at room and he met my dad. It shocked me when i saw my dad is at hotel ( not got dinner outside ) because my dad called me that he was at PVJ with my brother that night, FYI, i never introduce any kind of my ex boyfriend except one : yere. Dad was fine with that, and we're ready to going outside that night. He bring me to some place at Bandung that freaking awesome ( for me ). It's more beautiful than Bukit Bintang, Sierra Cafe, The Peak or the other's place at Bandung which have a great view in the night. You know, that night i'm afraid for something that i can't explain. However, i'm so happy too. We went back to hotel at 11.45 PM that night. I gave something that i made by myself for him ( need about 4 days to made that thing ) , and definitely that night... we ended everything with a kiss.

P.S : Nowadays, I've always thinking about you, me and us. I don't know why we just don't start a long distance relationship. I've been waiting for a year. Once again, promise me to use something that i gave to you everyday in your life, will you?

Currently listening to : Copeland - Choose the one who loves you more